It’s hotter than a firecracker out here, I think as I sit down to write outdoors for the first time this Spring. My regular t-shirt and cotton capri’s just aren’t cutting it today. Of course, then I realize it’s not really my clothes’ fault that I’m hot. Immediately the thought of my current weight situation makes me feel extra aggravated in this early hot spell. I’m hot because I’m too heavy.
Of course, my doctor says that I’m actually four pounds lighter than I was at this time last year. I guess that’s good. Except that it’s not because in August I was about 30 pounds lighter. How did that happen? My mind wanders away to thoughts of a rapid fix: could I get some cocaine? No… not into the illegal stuff. Could I get some diet meds? No… I’m too scared that it’ll hurt my head or heart… Should I like, not eat? Starvation method is sure to work and I won’t be risking jail.
Then I think, maybe God wants me to be fat. I keep fluctuating in my weight: Up, down, up, down…continuously it seems for my entire adult life. I am happy when I’m thinner, then I eat and celebrate with margaritas because of my happiness. I am depressed when I’m bigger, then I eat to console myself and attempt to make myself feel better. Neither seems to work. What gives?
I turn to the Lord for help today. It’s so beautiful outside and I know he has a plan for me– thick or thin, literally. Today’s gospel reading is from John 17:11-19. “But now I am coming to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves.”
That’s it isn’t it? The answer in which I seek the truth. I need to be happy with myself. God loves me, my family loves me, and my friends love me. I have the support, I just need to dig down, as deep as I need to and find my inner happiness. I love the Lord, my family, and my friends so now I need to work on loving me. I found a quote online that is attributed to no one, but it still is meaningful. “You are beautiful I know because I made you.”–God.
That has to be a true statement. I know God loves me and he doesn’t make mistakes. I’m always telling others to give each other a little Grace. I need to follow my own advice, maybe you need this advice too, dear reader. I am ok. You are ok. I know it deep down, I need to believe it regularly and I have faith that the rest will follow.
Psalm 139:14 tells me, “I give thanks to you because I have been amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.”
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